Helping clients cope with grief

Advisers can strengthen client relationships and can build multigenerational loyalty by preparing themselves to become “the go-to person” when clients have a death in their family, according to a grief expert who spoke at IMPACT 2014.
“If you can genuinely offer support and comfort to a client in the toughest times of their lives, they’re going to stay with you, and you’ll get their family, friends and associates, too,” said Amy Florian, Chief Executive Officer of Corgenius, Inc., and author of “No Longer Awkward: Communicating With Clients Through the Toughest Times of Life.”
Speaking at a session entitled “What To Say When There Are No Words,” Ms. Florian said it’s especially important that advisers understand how to communicate with grieving widows, who “look for the adviser they’re going to work with during times of transition” and who seek “someone…who understands them, who can be there for them.”
Ms. Florian offered guidance on dos and don’ts after a death in a client’s family, including how to communicate with the client at services and in the months and years that follow. She recommended that advisers take 15 minutes a week to role-play through different scenarios, including what they will say at services, so they can feel comfortable interacting with grieving clients. “We live in a death-denying society, and you’ve never been taught,” she said. “Get it down so you are comfortable and not awkward.”
When attending services, advisers must focus on their grieving client and must be aware of the threefold purpose of services: to celebrate the life of the deceased, to recognize his or her death, and to begin the formal goodbye. Advisers must help grieving clients achieve these goals, Ms. Florian said.
Advisers should introduce themselves briefly to their grieving client, unless the adviser is certain the client will recognize him or her instantly. Advisers also should establish as much of a physical connection with the client as their relationship allows. “If you have a hugging relationship, certainly, give them a hug,” Ms. Florian said. “When you let go of the hug, don’t totally let go of them. Keep a hand on their shoulder, on their elbow. Keep holding their hand.” If an adviser does not have a hugging relationship with a client, a two-handed handshake or a regular handshake with the other hand on the client’s elbow or shoulder are good alternatives. “You’ve got to do what you’re comfortable with; otherwise it’s going to come across as awkward or disingenuous,” Ms. Florian said.
When speaking with the grieving client, advisers should avoid platitudes such as “I’m so sorry,” “You have my sympathy,” “At least he (or she) is no longer suffering,” “Time heals all wounds” and “He (or she) is with the Lord now,” Ms. Florian said.
The adviser instead should share a story or memory about the deceased, ask the grieving client about his or her memories, and listen, Ms. Florian said. If the adviser didn’t know the deceased, the adviser should read his or her obituary or should do some other research to find something to comment on, and then invite the client to talk about the deceased. “You get the dialogue going, you ask questions based on what she (the client) says, you keep the stories going, as along as she’s engaged,” Ms. Florian said.
Advisers should not worry about slowing down the line at services. “Your job is not line management; your job is to be there for your grieving client,” Ms. Florian said. When it’s time to end the dialogue, conclude with a statement of support, such as, “I’m going to call you next week just to check in and see how you’re doing, and I’m going to be with you here for the long haul.”
Never discuss business at services or funerals, Ms. Florian said. If the client or a family member brings up business, deflect the inquiry with a response such as, “You have enough on your plate right now. Nothing needs to happen in the next couple of days….I’ll be in touch with you. I have your back.”
Ms. Florian recommended that instead of sending flowers to services or a funeral, advisers make a donation in memory of the deceased to a cause or charity supported by the deceased or his or her family. Advisers should make such contributions after sending a sympathy card to their grieving client about a week after the services. The card should include a personal note that refers to some aspect of the services, mentions the charitable contribution, and reiterates the adviser’s intention to remain in touch and to provide support.
When meeting with a grieving client to discuss financial matters after a death, do not start the meeting with business, Ms. Florian said. Start with open-ended questions, such as “What kind of a day is it today?” or “If you could tell people one thing about what you’re going through…what would it be? What do you wish people knew?”
Advisers, she added, should not be afraid to mention the name of the deceased. “Every grieving person wants to know their loved one made a difference — that somebody remembers besides them,” said Ms. Florian, who was widowed at 25 when her husband, John, died in a car accident. “We need to say the name….and invite the story and keep it alive.”
Advisers should expect a roller coaster of emotions from grieving clients, and should encourage them to postpone any major and/or irrevocable financial decisions while managing routine, time-sensitive financial matters for them. Grieving can take a long time, and “grief is more volatile than the stock market,” Ms. Florian said.
Advisers should assure grieving clients that they will stay in touch, and then follow through, Ms. Florian said. At the end of a meeting, instead of saying “Call me anytime,” advisers should announce when they plan to call the client. “You set that interval depending on where you are and what needs to be done,” she said. “But you always call them. Take the burden off their shoulders.”
Ms. Florian recommended that advisers send a card with a personal note to grieving clients a few days after their first post-funeral meeting. The card should thank the client for the meeting and should express a commitment to working together to maintain the legacy of the deceased and to protect the client’s financial future.
After a client loses a loved one, advisers should note significant dates, such as the birthdays and wedding anniversaries of the deceased and the client. These dates can be intensely painful for survivors, and advisers can provide solace and support by sending a card or a small remembrance, such as a box of chocolates, along with a personal note, Ms. Florian said. “They need those touches,” she said. “Be there for them.” Similarly, advisers should note the date of the death and should send to their grieving client a card with a personal note or small gift on some of the monthly anniversaries of the death (from three months to 14 months) and each yearly anniversary (for 10 years), Ms. Florian said.
Although most people appreciate such gestures, advisers occasionally might encounter a client who does not want such support, Ms. Florian said. In these cases, the adviser should ask the client how the adviser can best serve him or her, and then should adjust accordingly, she said.
Don’t assume that a client’s grief and pain disappear after a year, she said. “Many people in support groups say that the second year after being widowed is actually harder than the first,” she said. “You get to the second year, and all the support has disappeared…. People really appreciate getting those touches, those reminders that someone else remembers.”
Advisers should be especially sensitive to grieving clients during the holidays, which can remain painful for years, Ms. Florian said. Don’t send grieving clients the same holiday card that other clients receive, she said. Instead, get a card that wishes the grieving client peace, hope and healing. Include a personal note and a gift card. “Acknowledge the reality,” Ms. Florian said. “Touch them. Let them know you’re there.”
Grieving people often talk with other grieving people, Ms. Florian said. “You do a good job for a grieving person, and you’re going to have more grieving people come into your office.”
This article is part of a special advertising section that appeared in the December 15, 2014 issue of InvestmentNews. It was written by the InvestmentNews Content Strategy Studio and does not reflect the views of the InvestmentNews editorial staff. To download the full supplement, please click here.