As you probably have heard by now, British oil giant BP PLC has agreed to endow the $20 billion mea culpa fund ordered by President Obama in his Tuesday night address to the nation.
As you probably have heard by now, British oil giant BP PLC has agreed to endow the $20 billion mea culpa fund ordered by President Obama in his Tuesday night address to the nation.
BP chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg and chief executive Tony Hayward met with the president behind closed doors at the White House today to work out the details. As they say in Hollywood, the following is a dramatization of the conversation at the “oil spill summit.”
Mr. Obama: Gentlemen, we’ve got a big problem here. You’ve turned the Gulf into a giant sludge pot, you don’t know your British arses from your elbows when it comes to plugging a hole, and you’re really screwing up my popularity ratings.
Mr. Hayward: As one of your predecessors once stated, “Mr. President, I feel your pain.”
Mr. Obama: Not yet, oil boy, as my immediate predecessor would have said. But you will. Write me a check for $20 billion.
Mr. Svanberg: We’re prepared to do our part in the cleanup, Mr. President, but BP must remain viable if it is to continue serving its customers, its investors and its employees. We are committed to maintaining a clean environment and delivering energy to a worldwide market, but we must maintain our financial strength in order to continue to fulfill our mission.
Mr. Obama: Cut the crap, Carl, and don’t try to out-bloviate the bloviator-in-chief. You’ve screwed up, you got the dough, and as we say in my hometown, you gotta pay.
Mr. Hayward: But Mr. President, how can we assure our shareholders that our liabilities won’t go beyond the $20 billion?
Mr. Obama: Just as you were sure that you were drilling safely and that your efforts to contain the oil spill would be effective, I am sure that $20 billion will be sufficient.
Mr. Svanberg: That’s very reassuring, Mr. President. We’ll send you the money once you tell us which neutral third party will be the one getting to use the float on the $20 billion. But I do want you to understand that while we appreciate the suffering of the people of Louisiana and everyone around the Gulf, there also has been considerable hardship endured by BP shareowners and employees ...
Mr. Hayward: … including senior executives for whom the sharp fall in BP shares will result in horrendous declines in compensation.
Mr. Obama: That is indeed tragic, gentlemen, but I think I may have a solution that addresses our mutual interests. First, let us agree to speak of this session as a greatly productive one in which you expressed contrition and heeded my recommendations. Next, make a commitment to our clean energy program. My people will talk to your people about the precise definition of commitment, but I will tell the public that Washington has a friend in BP — and Wall Street and the City love it when companies have friends in the right places.
Mr. Hayward: Spot on, Mr. President.
