Picking an advisor who will stand the test of time

In later middle age, obituaries start to feature people born when you were. Mortality is silhouetted on the horizon. In my house, that means that my husband and I keep adding to our our checklist of things-to-do-when-one-of-us-dies.

While there are many contingencies we can’t control, there’s one we can: We can choose an advisor now whom both of us like and trust. We’d better, because chances are very good that one of us — probably me — is going to have to work with that advisor on their own. That prospect is just as terrifying to the advisor as it is to me. I’ll be mourning the loss of my husband while the advisor hopes they won’t end up losing me, too.

The reliably chipper American Academy of Actuaries offers a handy tool that converts late-middle-age apprehension into candy-colored doom charts. At its Actuaries Longevity Illustrator (the actuaries are grammatically challenged), I plugged in our basic demographics and was served up my chances of surviving my husband: It’s likely that in 20 years, I’ll be a widow facing 11 more years on my own.

Industry legend has it that up to 70% of widows ditch the financial advisors who served them when they were part of a couple. That means that our advisor — whoever we end up with after we settle into our New Hampshire retirement community — is going to plot to hold onto me as a client as soon as the champagne bubbles pop from signing us as clients.

What would keep future me with our future advisor instead of triggering a mourning-after search for a better fit?

Thanks to two rounds of research about what really makes clients loyal to advisors, I think I know: We need to sign on with someone who understands us as a couple and each of us as individuals. When we start interviewing advisors, the dynamics that can’t be captured on a spreadsheet will eclipse anything contained in cells.

Last fall, polling firm YouGov put the question out to the public exclusively on behalf of InvestmentNews: If they broke up with their partner, would they continue on their own with their financial advisor, and why?

Contradicting the traditional wisdom, 73% said that they would, nearly all because they trust their current advisor. If they were to consider switching, why? It’s a three-way theoretical tie between wanting more freedom to make financial decisions, hoping to find an advisor who understands their newly single circumstances, and wanting to retool their portfolio to better align with their values.

The YouGov data is in line with research released last year by the American College for Financial Services. What builds trust is clear, consistent interaction that actually delivers on the promise. No hidden agendas (not to mention hidden fees). Responsive and reflective service. Thoughtful investing strategies that help us align all our goals — financial independence and legacy — with our long-held economic and social values, too.

The big promises that advisors make when courting clients must translate to corresponding communication, respect and decisions.

Advisors can take a cue from how their long-married clients made it to the ultimate finish line of “until death do us part.” If you want a harmonious relationship that stays the distance, put your philosophies into daily action. Put your dirty socks in the laundry basket. Fill up the gas tank so your spouse won’t get caught on empty in the rain. Bring flowers to your mother-in-law even when it’s not her birthday. It’s the daily courtesies that keeps romance alive, not the annual grand gesture.

That should be a relief and an encouragement to advisors (as it certainly is to the newly engaged). No spouse should be considered a plus-one in their own lives. Blended loyalties don’t unspool when one thread breaks.