When should family members not be estate executors? Wealth managers weigh in.

The old saying that “you can’t pick your family” may be true. But you can pick the executor of your estate and it doesn’t have to be a member of your family.

Sometimes, in fact, it’s better when the executor making estate planning decisions is not a family member at all.  

Justin Coffin, wealth management advisor at Apollon Wealth Management, points out that the choice of executor is truly a decision based on one’s own personal circumstances. The complexity of the estate, the broader context of the estate plan, family dynamics and location, are all important considerations. The executor role, according to Coffin, requires working through both personal and administrative issues, and clients should think about selecting someone they believe is capable and comfortable navigating those two issues. 

“The goal is to identify someone capable of managing the actual work of navigating the probate process with the professional team who is also able to navigate potential family or business dynamics. This involves a frank conversation about where relationships might already be frayed or will have the potential to become so during the estate administration,” Coffin said.

If the eldest child is a great fit for the administration side of things, but has a fractured relationship with their siblings, Coffin says they may not be the best fit.

“We remind clients that death can bring out both the best and the worst in families, especially as we are adding divvying up not just money, but personal items to an already emotional experience; family dynamics around fairness and respect and responsibility can quickly come to the fore,” Coffin said.

Kevin Kaylakie, partner and president of Prime Capital Family Office, notes that the use of a family member or friend may significantly lower the cost of probate. This person should also be informed of the role, the responsibilities, and the time commitment in advance of being named in the documents. This avoids the “surprise, you’re an executor” moment for an unsuspecting family member, according to Kaylakie.

“This person should be aware they may become the focus of ire should a family member not receive what they believed to be their fair share of the estate,” Kaylakie said.

Eric Dostal, managing director at Wealthspire, for one, says clients should choose an executor for judgment, organization, and emotional steadiness, not birth order. In his view, the job is less about honoring someone and more about asking whether they can manage deadlines, communicate clearly, keep records, and make decisions under pressure.

“Advisors should remind clients that an executor is a fiduciary, meaning they are legally responsible for acting in the best interest of the estate and by extension the estate's beneficiaries. If the estate includes complex assets, family tension, real estate, business interests, or significant tax issues, ‘trusted family member’ may not be enough by itself,” Dostal said.

KEEPING IT OUT OF THE FAMILY

As to when it makes the most sense to choose a professional or third party instead of a family member, Apollon’s Coffin say it is when the estate is likely to be large and complex or when it is expected that family members would have a challenging time dealing with one another throughout the process.

“If you have a large, complex estate that is going to require managing, selling, and distributing multiple specialized assets, a professional or experienced third party may be worth considering despite the additional expense. If there are potentially fraught family dynamics, this can also make sense,” Coffin said.

Prime Capital’s Kaylakie often recommends a professional executor and a corporate trustee if the estate is complex or the family dynamics are overly fraught. While this may not solve all discord among family members, it will allow the executor to remain impartial and true to the wishes of the deceased.

“These professionals will also have significant expertise in their field and be able to quickly handle complications that arise. Although they are not as close to the deceased’s loved ones as true family, they may have known the family and worked with them for many years through a family office or a multi-family office relationship. Having a trusted guide during difficult times may far outweigh the price paid,” Kaylakie said.

Along similar lines, Wealthspire’s Dostal says a professional executor makes sense when neutrality is more valuable than familiarity. That is often the case with blended families, sibling conflict, substantial wealth, closely held businesses, illiquid assets, or beneficiaries who may question every decision. A third party can bring process, recordkeeping, and emotional distance, which helps reduce disputes and protects the integrity of the estate administration.

“I often tell clients: if naming one child creates a second problem inside the family, consider naming a professional and let the children stay siblings instead of turning one of them into the referee,” Dostal said.