TECH STOCKS, IT SEEMS, ARE IN URANUS: THEY SEE STARS, IF NOT STELLAR RETURNS

Do stock market swings make you see stars? Seeking stellar performance from your investments? How about a heavenly hot tip?

Then check out the International Society of Business Astrologers, a new group that promises to divine the direction of the Dow based on the divine.

Don’t laugh. These celestial stock pickers — who are preparing for their first “Congress” in May at the Hotel Inter-Continental in New York — predict that their time is coming. And they want some respect.

“We don’t wear funny hats or carry crystal balls. I sit at a computer all day,” says star astrologer Henry Weingarten, who runs the New York-based Astrologers Fund and publishes a weekly astrology-based newsletter called (of course) Wall Street Next Week.

“ISBA is not a place for kooks or former hippies,” adds Virginia star gazer Lisa Hand, who says she relies on cosmic clues to counsel corporations on everything from human resources to initial public offerings.

Still, to the earthbound investor much of the society’s talk can’t help but come off as, well, out there.

Though their approaches vary widely — from simple CEO horoscopes to much more complex calibrations — most of the group’s members combine several varieties of astral analysis with more traditional techniques.

On the celestial side, investment forecasts are based on correlations between planetary movements and historical cycles of equities, bonds, futures and other stuff. Horoscopes for people and companies — which are “born” on their IPO date — also come into play.

On the other side are more typical Wall Street measures. The jarring result, often, is an oxymoronic mix of Wall Street buzz words and planetary prognostications.

“Sometimes I rely more on fundamentals: stock prices, sector trends, interest rates, p/e ratios, that kind of thing; sometimes the greater influence is planetary,” says Abu Dhabi-based financial astrologer Bill Meridian, who says he manages between $25 million and $100 million in private money.

For example, back when Microsoft made its 1994 bid for Intuit, fundamentals on the deal looked very good. But Mr. Meridian saw Pluto — the “Government” planet — headed for a collision with Microsoft’s chart.

He says he predicted the government would quash the deal, and made a tidy profit. “That’s a case where astrology was the only way to tell,” insists Mr. Meridian.

More often, planetary movements seem to support fundamental stock analysis. Or at least err on the side of conventional wisdom.

Take Mr. Weingarten’s 1999 forecast. Since 1997, he says, markets have been ruled largely by combinations of Jupiter and Neptune and Jupiter and Uranus, which mark “irrational exuberance” and “instant riches.” But a Jupiter and Saturn cycle is just around the corner, which means investors should look for value stocks to be rewarded as much as growth, and for an overall market downturn. (He’s predicting the Dow will finish 1999 at 7001.67).

As for Internet stocks — watch out! Saturn, a bad news (or “descending”) planet, is “coming into aspect of” Uranus, which rules technology. “High-flying computer stocks are coming down to earth,” he warns. “Take profits now.”

Probably sage advice. Problem is, few will say they get it from an astrologer. Members of the society interviewed for this story insist they have major Wall Street and Main Street clients, but none could persuade any from a name firm to admit to doing business by the stars.

“There’s just no percentage in it,” says self-proclaimed astrological guru Jim Badura of Advanced Sidereal Forecasts in Sunnyvale, Calif. “It’s too easy to mock. So, they use astrology and pretend that they think it’s a joke.”

returns `over 30%’

The astrologer in Abu Dhabi says he worked as an analyst on Wall Street before heading for the Persian Gulf. “Bill Meridian,” he admits, is an astrological alias, taken years ago at the insistence of a headhunter who said he’d never find work if he admitted to mixing planets and p/e ratios.

“It’s more mainstream now than it was 20 years ago,” he says, “but (using astrology) still isn’t something that’s part of polite conversation.”

The International Society of Business Astrologers wants to change that. “We are every bit as good as other `financial advisers’ — better than most,” says Mr. Weingarten, who claims returns of “over 30%” for a mock fund he set up last year.

Part of the problem is that business astrologers tend to be a lot harder to pin down than, say, your average fund manager. They’re not rated in Morningstar. Lipper doesn’t track performance. And there’s certainly no appropriate benchmark (the Morgan Stanley Interplanetary Jupiter, Saturn and Uranus Index?).

Another issue for conservative investors: the marketing moxie of boosters like the fast-talking Mr. Weingarten.

The Astrologers Fund actually isn’t a fund at all (although both the New York Times and Washington Post were somehow persuaded to refer to Mr. Weingarten as a mutual fund manager, which he now calls an error). It’s been operating as an adviser to other firms, and is just now getting back to what Mr. Weingarten calls its money management roots, with somewhat less than $1 million under management (after a deal to manage some “big offshore money” fell through, he says).

Still, even skeptics might be wise to look up on Aug. 11. Mr. Weingarten and other society members warn that a total solar eclipse will occur over Europe on that day, the effects of which may well match the financial disaster that followed the 1997 eclipse over Asia.