Tips for working with female clients who are in financially unequal relationships

When partners are financially unequal, it’s challenging no matter who has more. You would think that by now, a woman having substantially more money wouldn’t be such a big deal. But it is. And you might think that the experience you have with men who have considerably more wealth than their partners translates in this situation. But it doesn’t.
When a woman has more, a subtle imbalance is created in the relationship that is often difficult to talk about. Yet, without honest conversation, failure is likely.
Here are my top tips for advisers when dealing with female clients who are already in financially unequal relationships or who are considering getting back into dating and are likely to end up with someone whose wealth is considerably less than theirs.
1. Recognize the challenges.
For many women, this is a touchy subject. And they might not bring it up, even when they think it might be relevant. It’s also entirely possible that a woman is acquiescing to her partner by not mentioning him. You might not hear about him until the client tells you that he or his adviser is taking over the managing of her money.
Relationships can cloud thinking and create an unhelpful atmosphere for decision-making. For example: A new partner sometimes wants more income or investible cash or ownership than you feel is in the best interest of the client’s short-or long-term well-being. The client will often choose her partner’s wishes over your advice and even her own instincts because she doesn’t want to lose him. This is a prime example of emotions driving financial decision-making to the detriment of the client.
Women often desire to equalize or compensate for the inequality, which is neither good nor bad. But there are definitely ways to do that that are better than others.
2. Normalize the experience.
Have a heads-up conversation with every client who would likely date someone with considerably less wealth, regardless of whether they’ve even broached the subject of dating. This tells them, early on, that women of means have certain unique challenges. It also tells them that you have ways to help minimize or avoid difficulties. And if you don’t hear about dating or a partner for quite some time after you’ve raised the topic, that doesn’t mean there is no dating or there is no partner, so touch on the topic again. If there is a relevant story in the news, share it. Be comfortable around the idea of financially unequal relationships, which might help her open up if she hasn’t, or be open when there is actually something to talk about.
3. Be on the lookout for signs of a relationship you haven’t heard about.
Once a woman is in a committed relationship, you might notice a strain in conversation or comments. You might also notice a drain on finances, changes in ownership, large increases in distributions and liquidations. This can be difficult to unwind, but the priority is to open the conversation and have an honest discussion acknowledging the relationship and the need for some strategizing. Bonus tip regarding being in the dark about her relationship: Don’t judge, be angry or take it personally.
4. Emphasize the need for communication once you find out about a relationship.
The importance of your healthy, open communication with the client and the same between her and her partner cannot be overstated.
Recognize that although she might express interest in your opinion and recommendations, she might not follow your advice because the partner disagrees with you. There might not be anything you can do about that, other than maintaining equanimity in the face of it.
The overarching theme within the partnership is usually that the woman has more choices, from where to live and how to entertain, to where to vacation and how to gift. She also has an extravagance of time, which creates its own tension, as her partner might not in complete control of his schedule. Normalize feelings and provide a structure to work through any discomfort.
With more women in control of more of the world’s wealth than ever before, financial advisers need to understand and be able to manage the myriad issues those women face. Getting comfortable with this topic and developing effective strategies and tools to handle it has never been more important.
Susan Bradley is founder of the Sudden Money Institute and the Financial Transitionist Institute and creator of the Certified Financial Transitionist designation.